My Life as A Fairy Tale: Part II
This part is about some things that happened earlier this year, before starting this blog. The funny thing is that I wrote this story prior to synchronistically getting a job slinging cold-pressed juices (a.k.a elixers) or even considering it a possibility. How is that for manifestation? If you missed Part I click here.
When she met Franco at the butcher it was clear he was the second kind of person. Lily was born with a light that had the capacity to light up whole countries. Franco could hardly light up a room. But the light that he did have matched the tone of Lily's in that it was sweet and kind and pure-hearted. And best of all Franco truly loved Lily and thought she was the best thing since sliced-pumkinbread. Sure a lot of people thought she was special (they usually told her so only after the relationship had ended) but no one ever really treated Lily quite like Franco before. Franco had some major flaws though. He broke all the rules about not letting people with big demons into her life. He was like a lost puppy stumbling around wagging his tail at saints and sinners alike, and his life was in constant chaos. He even lost his job at the butcher soon after they met. But Lily was comforted by the fact that the reason he appeared to be fired was his emotional sensitivity.
Walter warned Lily that while he had potential, their relationship could never last a lifetime because of their light difference, and the only way for her and Franco to be together now for any length of time was if he listened to her and took her advice about how to right his upside-down life. He told her it was excellent practice, that a big part of expanding her light was going to involve learning to speak her truth, THE truth, about everything, all of the time. She could start by teaching Franco everything she had just spent the last year learning, about how to build a stable foundation, chose the right houses and the right friends, the right schools or jobs, and even the right foods in order to shed demons. Being in a position of authority like this was on one hand thrilling, because Lily had believed her feelings and impressions were personal, neurotic, unimportant or just plain wrong her whole life. To have someone like Walter explain they were actually deeply intuitive and usually right made her self esteem jump by about a million points. On the other hand telling someone else what to do, let alone threatening to end the relationship if it didn't happen in a timely enough manner made Lily feel deeply uncomfortable, guilty, arrogant, manipulative. Who was she to say she knew any better than anyone else because her light was bigger when most people in the world she lived in didn't even believe people could have varying levels of light!?
Sometimes Franco would seem completely open to her ideas and optimistic and forward thinking, and other times he would seem defensive, negative, self-victimizing, and ready with one-hundred different excuses why things were not going to work out, and she would just feel the whole situation was hopeless. Were her convictions really right? Was she really explaining them adequately? Was she balancing her criticisms with praising his good traits and the changes he had already made to improve his life, however slow and minor. Was she just too impatient? Asking too much?
Another problem was all of Franco's knightly qualities that Lily found so attractive in moderation, he took to an extreme, which got him into constant trouble with allowing people to take advantage of him, walk all over him. He rarely put his foot down about anything, or put his own needs first, preferring to rely on antiquated codes of honor and naive, impractical ideals of commitment and keeping one's word. Franco did not like to ruffle anyone's feathers, even if that person treated him poorly, even if it meant being left without a down coat of his own.
Franco and Lily's love affair ended shortly. As it turned out Franco wasn't ready to let go of his old ways, and began to resent Lily for pointing out why his life wasn't working, and how their relationship wasn't going to last long if he couldn't get it together. “Why won't anyone just love me the way I am?” he whined. But, luckily, now with Walter's guidance Lily knew about ending a relationship when there was still just enough love left to make it sad, but before it got nasty. So that is what she did. Now she was all alone. Again. Living in this strange town where she didn't know anyone, and she was running out of money because the school didn't give her enough living expenses for a girl of her needs. They expected her to be living like a traditional student in a rowdy boardinghouse with six roommates and eating Katcheken noodles, not in a quiet country cottage where she could rest her weary nerves and protect her fragile energy system, eating the freshest, highest-vitality fruits and vegetables just to barely keep the demons at bay.
Even under Walter's tutelage Lily's demons were so entrenched, and so numerous that improvement in her life was proceeding agonizingly slowly. Walter believed that if she aligned herself and chose wisely, the right medicine would definitely be able to help her. But she couldn't really afford those things. Sometimes when she was particularly frustrated, she didn't think she was improving at all, Walter was a quack, and she was doomed forever and ever! But she was as tenacious as she was depressed and had no alternative but to keep trying to move forward.
Lily realized that she would have to do something in order to survive. Doing the accounting for the produce stand with her mother had not been bad, but that job had required no groveling, no searching, no interviews. It was just given to her because of her relations. And there were no produce stands hiring accountants here. What on earth could she do that was entertaining enough for her brilliant mind, that was accommodating enough for her fragile body, and not too intimidating for her shy demeanor, let alone let her shine the unique light of her soul? And who would want to hire her after all her years living in the forest like a freak? She had no history, no references. Worst of all she had terrible self-esteem. Though she was internally glad she didn't compromise herself in order to be with Franco, the results of sticking to her guns were not exactly rewarding.
In short, Lily was poor, she was lonely, she was sick, and she was frightened. She wanted nothing more than to skip to the future: a future where she owned her country cottage and no longer had to worry about paying the exorbitant rent, where she could plant gardens and fruit trees knowing that she would be able to watch them grow and harvest the bounty without any persnickety landlord chopping them down because they were “messy”. She wanted a capable husband to take care of her and nurture her, someone who really appreciated her and matched her depth, and her intelligence, and her light, someone like Cirrus but NICE, generous, open-hearted, considerate, unafraid to be vulnerable. She wanted to feel strong and vibrant and full of energy and excited to go about her day when she woke up in the morning, and to feel appropriately relaxed in the evening and fall into a deep restful slumber all night.
She wanted to feel lucky, happy, grateful, to live in a world of magic and miracles, and she wanted to be able to share that magic with others, to help them, to touch them with her light and her grace and her beauty, to show them what she had learned about battling demons in the difficult first part of her life, and/or keep them from having to experience demons at all. Lily knew that pain and suffering were not strictly necessary, one need not inevitably descend into the depths of darkness for some predetermined amount of time in order to learn and grow and choose the light, it was only that so many people had no guidance, no clue! She also knew there were no victims in the world, least of all herself. She knew the only thing standing between her and this future she envisioned for herself were her wounds, that the demons weren't really attacking her, she was holding onto them for dear life! At least part of her was, even as the more conscious parts fought against them daily.
One day in spring Lily was down to her last gold coins. She wouldn't be able to make rent next month if something didn't happen, if she didn't make something happen. She needed to get a job, or get a business of her own going. She went into the woods to sit by her favorite old Grandfather Tree and she took with her a long piece of wool string. Sometimes when she was feeling desperate and at her wit's end she used the string, sort of like a set of rosary beads, but as she repeated her prayers she tied knots in the string, until it was all knotted up with her frustration, worries, wishes and desires, and then she tucked it up in a branch somewhere, leaving it for the birds to make a nest. On this particular day, she was praying like so, hoping for some clear guidance or a sign once she got home about how to begin to manifest the life she desired. Like many days there were no true clear signs, a slight negative here, a slight positive there and in correlation with who knows what: Something she just did? Something she just thought? Something she just ate?
But on this day, maybe the tree or the Gods heard her after all, but more likely it was only herself that heard her, because Lily came to a new conclusion: Perhaps she just needed to put herself out there and try something. Perhaps the Universe couldn't give her a strong sign either way because she wasn't taking a strong enough action. If she dared to take an action, and it turned out to be a disaster at least she would know once and for all. Lily was so pure of heart and intent that she was terrified of making a mistake, she was terrified of doing harm to herself and doing harm to others. What if what she was promoting and putting all her effort into was stupid and wrong? Lily also realized that even though her poverty, sickness, and aloneness were great barriers, she had both her strengths she was used to using like her keen rational intellect and creativity to over come them, as well as strengths she wasn't used to using like her uniqueness, intuitive wisdom, and sensitivity.
In this way she knew that getting a job was about more than getting about job. It was about building confidence, learning to be herself in the great big world, meeting new new friends and lovers, and offering something useful to help people, despite not knowing if it was...or actually knowing it wasn't...the perfect thing but doing it anyway, because she had to start somewhere.
So Lily decided that even though no diet or herb had ever taken away a single one of her symptoms she was going to try and go into business for herself, using her knowledge of fruits and vegetables and natural wild herbs to sell elixers that were healthful and also tasted good on the streets of the city. This was very daunting. She was going to have to stand out there on the street even when she was too tired, and she was going to have to smile and make small talk and be friendly whether she felt like it or not, and truthfully when did she?
But when she thought about the future dream life she wanted to lead, these or other similar challenges were things she would have to face sooner or later. And it seemed like she couldn't wait until she felt like facing them, until she felt more strong and healthy, and unafraid. Time was running out, and she might never feel that way. It might never come easy. She might have to challenge her fears first in order to heal, show those demons who was boss instead of letting them run her life...
A lot of things have changed since I wrote this part of the story. The "elixer " thing served its purpose but didn't last too long. There were some major setbacks like breaking my car. But things started turning around when I started this new career as a writer. I've begun dating again which involves a whole lot more learning around holding my light. I've started on my newly refined diet and supplement regimen. It is hard work and I'm not sure if I've made it to the third act where I find the last missing puzzle pieces that result in my miraculous healing and getting to live happily ever after with my Prince Charming, but there are certainly indications that I am getting closer. I hope you've enjoyed reading and perhaps resonate with some of my story. Comment below if you do.
Emily, The Super Sensitive Human